When memories arise: evolving from pain

The memories which arise tell you what you have hidden and are to be acknowledged and learned. While the memory may seem random and out of sorts, it is not according to the holy spirit; for what has arisen is an opportunity to heal through acknowledging the mistake or error which One is meant to correct.

While it is not "bad" nor is it "wrong," the memory which comes into awareness is what has been unconsciously hiding, suppressed and denied out of the guilt, shame and fear of reprimand. This memory is meant to show the unconscious guilt, shame and fear, that was created by the denial of it having occurred.

The memory is responsible, at least in part, to the formulation of habits and tendencies, which create more guilt, fear, and shame. Thus, when the memory arises, one may not enjoy it to the degree that they suppress and deny it longer. This can create problems for the memories come into awareness gently at first. However, when long denied, the memories may manifest in overwhelming degrees as mental, emotional and physical stress. It is not because one is being punished that the memories or feelings manifest at such inappropriate timing and under stressful conditions though, for One's desire to evolve and grow, perhaps unconsciously, has himself create "punishment" and dis-ease to become more conscious and therefore free.

Memories that come into awareness may manifest as degrees of mental, psychological and physical dis-ease when not acknowledged and felt and should therefore be considered a gift when they arise. The gift it brings is the opportunity to heal what has long become unconscious guilt, shame and fear. While there are degrees of pain, shame and fear, experienced in acknowledging particular memories, it is helpful to seek guidance and loving support when the pain is too great and overwhelming to look at. When it is not so painful, however, the memory can simply be acknowledged and therefore corrected.

When the memory arises, we heal that part of ourselves that reacted by acknowledging the mistake and opening our heart to be forgiven. We will want to feel forgiveness in our hearts and for this to occur, we want to process the pain there as well. It is also good to welcome the holy spirit, by asking for Its help. To forgive, also, we may be called to build courage and communicate, to apologize, to acknowledge the pain caused or inflicted by oneself or another.

Suggestions for when memories occur
how to heal them:

Ask:

How come this memory is coming into my awareness?
Is there an associations regarding this memory in present time that I should be aware of?
What can I learn about this memory?
How might this memory have affected my ability to love in the present?
I acknowledge that this memory created pain for me (or someone else), what can I do to restore love to my relationship (with myself, God..)?
What would I like to be and do the next time this happens?

"I ask for help in remembering this pain when/if it happens again."
"I forgive myself so that I can learn and be the best I can be, in service to my Creator."

Special Relationships and the Contracts that Bind

When in relationship, it can be more difficult to maintain one's own energy.
Generally, a cord is tied, a giver and receiver, an exchange of energy in which one lacks, the other gives, and visa versa. However done unconsciously, the cords are agreements that we make within relationship that, ultimately, teach us what we need to learn to grow.


Fear creates fear and so it is that fear perpetuates like a wheel turning with the momentum of whatever thoughts were fed. Fears that perpetuate within relationship temporarily seize fear through the comfort of another, through feeling special and giving one's energy to make them feel special in return. However really what it can do is distract one from seizing cause to seek the root of the fear and dealing with it from within instead. The cord can therefore perpetuate fear through the self-limiting beliefs that another is needed in order to relieve us of it. Since also the need for distraction is from fear- one becomes at odds within himself, making himself wrong for his distractions even more.


So fear can perpetuate through our distraction of its cause and the time which is necessary to extract that cause seems to grow dim as the demands of the day and relationship grows within oneself. Now, one's energy to believe in the Truth of who he is becomes shaken with beliefs not his own, and also with the illusions of who he thought he was but is still realizing is not.


The Truth we all want is to deepen our relationship with God and while we seek outside for this, the answer that we long for lies within. Thus, we must cultivate a relationship within ourselves, in order to be healthy in any seemingly other relationship outside. While the ability to have healthy relationships outside greatly helps and supports the evolution of one's being, it is not alone possible without intimacy with Self first. This intimacy with Self is in reality, intimacy with God and is done through introspection, self-inquiry, and feeling Its presence by opening to It.


Because the expression of God is unique within all, it is difficult to feel complete while senselessly striving to maintain specialness within relationships, which we often end up doing. To seek specialness in relationship is to make up and distract from cause the root of suffering which helps one to realize their unique gifts that they are meant to share with all, not just one.


The awareness of a contract or an agreement that was made between two people within relationship is as necessary as for both individuals as it is for one. However, it is in seeing this contract as a gift in which one has benefitted at the cost of something else, that one's grows and learns. Thus, whether the relationship stays or goes, the gift of what it brought is to be relished for without having it be shown, it becomes a tendency, or unconscious habit, that leaves us in the dark, feeling hopeless and without an awareness of its cause.


The gift which is the essence, the presence, and the learning is the value to be wholly is one's own energy,which is that of God itself and nothing else. When contracts become seen, in which each one uses the other to distract from God by focusing on the body, through comfort and specialness, at the cost of seeing wholeness, then and only then can new contracts be established. Oftentimes, instead, we focus on the body and cut cords, only to realize that they later come back in a new partner or relationship, to yet again, be brought to our attention. Only until new contracts are made and the old one's seen, can we realize what it is like to be in our own energy, which is more of love and less of fear.


Dismiss not the relationships that come into play to see what we do and don't do to hide from love the pieces and parts in need to heal. See how we look upon special relationships to distract from what we want and hide in others our pain of what we think is not there but is. Let go of fear of being alone and seek unity within self to see and be complete and whole now, without neediness or clinging to a sense of it outside. Seek to know Self, so that when interacting outside, It shines through and the unique expression of It is wholly your own. Seek not to make the neediness for love outside "wrong" but affirm that it is from within we see ourselves, that another may look upon himself and see something wholly within that he may emanate It through his own work on how to love himself.

Spiritual Crisis as Opportunity

Sometimes the main purpose in life and in what i do is just simply in being grounded, present and aware of who I am as a child of God. I don't believe this is expected to be easy. Sometimes, I need to keep affirming It as me. Sometimes, I just know. When I experience the energy of God running through me, I can feel it as pure joy, full of love, wisdom, peace, and warmth. I welcome it and then, I feel Its energy in my hands and It teaches me and tells me things that I would not ordinarily know. Oftentimes, my clients will confirm it back to me by saying how loving and nurturing my hands are and feeling themselves in a greater state of peace than before they saw me. Other times, I just know because I feel great, totally in the flow and in my body. I imagine this is how people feel when they are happy but they just wouldn't call this energy, God, as I do. I am also quite clear that this energy is for everyone, within us all.

I realize how grounded and centered I need to be in my work and in my life though and for the past couple of weeks, with great wonder, I have also been feeling a sense of anxiousness, of fear- judging myself for what I do and don't do, It is not like I never experienced this before, but it is somewhat more intense. Perhaps because I am more aware of it and myself, that it is somewhat foreign to me. Perhaps it is also that I do not react the way I use to so unconsciously by projecting my fears as easily. I find that my time is spent on JUST needing to focus on being grounded sometimes. The fear is unusual as of lately and it manifests as a lack of clarity and disruption. I believe it is a tool to awaken me more into my true self, that I become more grounded and energized to take on more energy. My system is preparing for something bigger. I don't know what really and I need to let this idea go but it is quite possible and sensible to me. Even considering this prospect gives me energy. While fear of losing my mind would enter, there is also a sheer presence and knowing that this is an opportunity for me to grow. This is my cause and this is how I will help people too. Obviously, this is my path.

So I write to log my experience but I am also knowing the need and desire to turn everything off. I need to let go of everything and commune in nature, unplug from everything, as one of my guides confirmed. The trees have particularly taken a liking to me and I talk to them now. I feel they talk to me and sometimes, they entice me with their textures into pure joy. They are a great resource of peace for me, to give and receive love. There are times, when I think of them or I touch them and I immediately experience great release and tears flowing. I love and appreciate them now more than ever.

The guy I am dating pointed out laughingly that his sister had a similar experience with her environment and in nature, just before "she lost her mind." I believe him with intrigue and also, I don't believe that it is possible for me to go "insane." While many people might account that my experiences, my beliefs and ways of being are "insane," I trust the divine intelligence in me to tell me what I need to do to live in peace, wisdom and sheer joy, more and more, ever-lasting. While the pull into "insanity" is quite easy without resources, tools or trust in guidance through intuition, it is in ITS strength, ITS wisdom, and Its teaching me to be grounded that I am saved.

For the teacher of God...

The message is always for the messanger first; however, one does not need to be perfect to teach. In fact, when one teaches, he learns and in learning, he begins to embody what he teaches more and more. As he understands the teaching for himself, his presence magnifies into twice, triple or even greater times it was when he started.

Problems happen when the teacher of God does not realize this, however. While he teaches, he must realize that he is also still learning. So while the student/client comes to him for a lesson, they also come to teach the teacher about himself or a part of himself. The greatest teacher is the student therefore and takes every experience, every encounter, as an opportunity to integrate greater wisdom within himself.

It is to be expected that sometimes the teacher will stumble at his teachings and will feel out of integrity, for the love of what he teaches has not yet caught up with his actions of being and doing. The reason is because the teachings come into his life from somewhere else, not of the body, and is for the teacher to integrate within himself first. Though he may teach, the teaching becomes magnified when it is learned and embodied and so all teachings must be practiced. These practice opportunities can be a struggle at times as the ego will surely love to prove his teachings wrong and create for him doubt.

Practice opportunities are always and everywhere to forgive the ego. Rather than make it wrong and react to it, forgive it. For the ego is the mind of doubt and will tell you many things to sabbotage your best efforts at being a "qualified" teacher. It will sabbotage your greatest efforts at loving yourself and "others" for not being perfect. It will try to make you believe that you are alone and that life is scarey, so that you keep reacting out of fear and perpetuating it therefore. This is how the ego grows and yet it is important to not get stuck here and make yourself wrong; for reacting out of fear is what the world has taught you to do and since you were born to learn, it takes work to undo.

Be patient with yourself for when you react out of fear, it is the act of self-compassion and not of doubt that you move forward. In self-compassion and love, courage grows and fears dissolve as your commitment strengthens. Trust that this is so for the mind of God would not have you react out of fear but tell you that there is nothing to fear. The more that you see, the more Its love will compel you to teach and inspire and grow.

(As an exercise, you can read this out loud to yourself, replacing the words "he" or "you" (2nd/3rd narration with "I" (first) :)

The Guilt that Feeds Salvation

The guilt that feeds salvation:

Think not bad that guilt is meant to tell you anything other than where you are to acknowledge your place in Heaven. Guilt is but a sign that where you have been led to deceive yourself is not the home which you are choosing rightfully. If you chose with awareness of who you are, you would gladly choose Heaven but instead you choose suffering because you do not know. When you forgive you are choosing Heaven because in Heaven all sins are forgiven. In heaven, your Father knows that the reason you suffer from guilt is because of what you were fed into believing you are not. Let guilt then be an acknowledgment to your Father that what you do, you do not know and because of this, let it not lead you astray, but into the comfort of your Father's arms. Your Father who loves you will carry you and this in turn will help you love yourself.

Your Father in Heaven forgives you but that is not enough; for your suffering to disappear also relies on your ability to open your heart to those whom also need your forgiveness. This is why it is important that you realize who you are: a child of God and not a mere idol playing the game of cards with his follies. Competing to win, to feel special, to appear better is but an illusion you feed when you do not forgive and although some may be more hurtful than “others,” recognize that it is not them and forgive them for they know not what they do.

Let guilt then be indicative of forgiveness and have them go hand in hand. Whether it is yourself or another, let it be that the guilt you share is but a dream that offers you salvation when you forgive and acknowledge it. On earth, when you forgive your brother and your sister, you will realize its reward because it will catapult you quickly into heaven, where you will feel yourself more free. At times, it may be difficult to forgive; you will not feel honest with yourself and therefore, the reward of freedom will come gradually as you trust it to be so. Have faith however that every intention to forgive is acknowledged and will free your heart whether you feel it now or later.

While you seek escape through sex, there you still lie.

Sexual healing: While you seek escape through sex, there you still lie.

We seek escape through habits, tendencies and compulsions that later create regret, guilt, fear and shame. The compulsion for sex without intimacy is rampant and seen in many corners of life.

While men finds the presence of God within woman so appealing, there is no harm here but in his compulsion for sex. While desire for sex is natural, the divine feminine within yearns to escape, to be free, to be one with all. Because sex seems to be the only way sometimes for this integration, man compulsively thinks and acts in ways that self-sabotages his effort for integration to occur. As the ego lives in conflict, it seeks sex rather than union. The true conflict which is always within himself is then compromised for the integration he seeks is not in sex, but in knowing God.

First, while man seeks sex, he also fails to realize that what he/she really wants is within himself and so his compulsion for sex, he thinks, is frustrating to him. Because he can not bear his thoughts, he seeks sex through ego tactics and manipulative ways that make him or her seem special. He suppresses his deep longing for union with his own divine nature, at the cost of instant gratification: sex without intimacy. Down under, the specialness he seeks through manipulating is really fear- fear of rejection and of being alone, which the ego seeks to cover up, however only creating more of it in return.

This is self-sabotage, because as he turns himself away from his true self, he undermines his ability to give and receive love, what he truly wants. This undermining to give and receive love thrwarts his best efforts at living a creative life, as his compulsion becomes focused on the goal of sex and feeling special, rather than union.

The ego created specialness exactly to distract man from realizing his true nature, as One with God. Thus is the case that man begins to make himself wrong and think himself bad or guilty for not only his thoughts but his compulsion for sex. He does not trust himself and because of this, the conflict becomes greater. Turning himself away from God even more, he ignores the guiding light, the way through every block. This light never leaves however much he ignores it, as it is impossible to separate himself from God. Through not listening to himself, man fills with guilt and shame, though projecting it as if it were someone else’s. Out of this fear and shame, he believes he is punishable by God, rendered useless and unworthy.

It is not God, but the ego, whose attempt to turn us away from God, only leads us to destruction, leaving the kundalini energy, the energy of awakening, dormant. Because it is dormant, it does not know its true nature nor can it recognize it fully in anyone else. This dormant energy, constantly being suppressed and denied, through guilt, shame and fear, undermines his ability to become self-realized, courageous, and therefore, truly free. Thus, while his compulsion for sex could transcend into higher realms and ways of being that reflect unity and oneness, he settles warring minds instead. For the ego and because of what it taught, he believes compulsion for sex as escape is best, for who would he be without it. Less than a man, he claims, however, not realizing escape from fear is the reason.

As this man awakens, more and more, he will become a beacon of light, as his compulsion for sex dissipates into more meaningful acts and focused devotion to the One whom he realizes provides for him everything. As the awareness of the truth with which he truly longs becomes known, he regains trust, rooted in purpose and protected by God’s love. His awareness creates ripples of awakening, in the direction of Spirit, and away from the demise of the ego.

With this said, think not bad that the compulsion for sex means more than what it is- an illusion that masks the deeper longing to see and be One in the eyes of God. Though afraid and in need of love, we seek escape without realizing that the presence of God is always already near and so we focus on the body at the cost of union within ourselves and “others.” We seek specialness at the cost of being free, as sex without intimacy becomes a compulsion or escape, rather than a heart felt desire to be One with God. For this reason, we do not know who we are in reality: spirit having a human experience, a child of God, nor do we know what this means.

Forgive yourself, your brothers and sisters, until you realize that all sins are forgiven and that you need only direct your attention to who you are in reality that you become truly free. Forgive yourself for this awareness may bring with it a hinge of guilt and because of such, you will want to ignore and dismiss its truth in you. However, the guilt isn’t reality, so much as a reality check, a reminder of what is needed to be acknowledged, to cleanse your heart of what you have all but burried and suppressed within you. In this, you fear, however, do not; for the awakening upon you is near and all that you have hidden will be undone, with or without your preparedness.

Be not afraid of who you are but be willing to release who you aren’t.

stay calm: short poem

stay calm, admist the storm.
when the breeze seems a bit turbulent
and the thoughts seem a bit loud.
stay calm admist the storm.

stay calm admist the worry.
and let your fears subside.
let go of thoughts of doubt and hurry.
stay calm admist the worry.

stay calm admist not knowing
and embrace the light of faith.
where heaven opens all its doors and always keeps you safe.
stay calm admist not knowing.

accept. trust. let go. breathe.