Advice: "Good" medicine or "bad" medicine?

An aspect of myself that I have difficulty accepting is my need to advise. The humiliating part is that I do not even notice when I am advising and I have to be with the discomfort that I do this oftentimes unconsciously. "How annoying?" I think that must be.

The blessing is that I get to pay more attention to distinguish:

Am I sharing? Is what I have to say coming from personal experience?
or
Am I advising? Is what I want to say based on a perception of what I think would be helpful for another person?


I know this will be a good challenge for me. A challenge in sacred listening. A challenge in trusting that we are the commanders of our own destiny and all is as it should be. A challenge in being accepting- of myself and others.

I am eager to share tools cause I want to help ourselves heal from the lies and distortions we were taught through conditional love. Admittedly, I am on this path as well. However, I need to let go of the idea that I can help people who do not want my help or ask for it. I can only focus on myself; I can only focus on what comes up for me in the moments that I want to advise to meet "my" challenges. I also see what is "good" medicine could be "bad" medicine depending on one's perception; as well as the opposite, what is "bad" medicine could be very helpful for someone. It all depends on how we relate to the things we do; therefore, if I seek to advise when I am not asked, I could potentially just be serving "bad" medicine, contrary to what I want.

Inspiration through Kindness

January 10th 2011



Give thanks to kindness.
When people are kind they are essentially living without fear.
They are living courageously.
For to be kind, we are giving people the opportunity to be themselves in the moment.
We are accepting and we are present enough to see that "there are no others."

It is a constant practice.
Lets say opportunity.
Give thanks to kindness.
For in every moment, we can reach out and ignite.
We inspire.
Through light and love
-may we all inspire.

Denial: darkness// violent crimes

Janauary 5th, 2011

I like to deny that there are such things as evil; although, I am firm in my belief that everyone is good at their core. The other day, I was again at odds with this knowing, when I got a hotline call from a disabled survivor of rape. She was assaulted a couple of days before and was experiencing a great deal of fear and physical pain. Apparently, disabled and handicapped survivors of sexual assault and rape are much more common than one might fathom. Indeed, sexual abuse is one of the most widely unacknowledged acts that traumatize individuals and communities throughout life.

Because this blog is about resonating with one, I seek to see how someone like me can do such a terrible act. The belief is that it is not possible. I am too aware of the love that lives inside of me and others. So, perhaps it is that perpetrators of rape and other crimes do such things because they are not aware of the love inside of them.

Perhaps they hate themselves.

Perhaps, the perpetrators are surrounded by violent crimes. They watch it on t.v., see it in movies, in the newspapers, maybe violence for them is the only thing they've learned about how to release their own fears. They release these fears through projection and manipulation onto others, for some sense of control which they lack. They want love but they don't know how to ask without manipulating others.

Perhaps they are experiencing trauma somewhere held in their own bodies. Many perpetrators of sexual assault have been sexually assaulted at some time in there life. Maybe they are ashamed. Perhaps, they are unaware and have difficulty letting feelings pass through them so they act on their urges. They do not know how to deal with felt sensations.

Perhaps it is societal conditioning that influences sex offenders and other perpetrators to act on urge. The imbalance of the masculine and feminine aspects within each of us, which we often deny. We reward logic, sexuality, and reason and dismiss feelings and intuition.

Perhaps there are perpetrators who are conscious of their acts, they plan them out step by step, but like a drug, a tendency, or another "bad" habit, they choose not to feel or look deeply within themselves.

Perhaps perpetrators attract negative energies that, like a parasite, feed and live off of their weakness.

We are all animals, at least partly, acting sometimes on desire and impulses and sometimes not. I can resonate with all these possible "reasons." I see: There are degrees to which we act, just like there are degrees to how balanced we are in any given moment.

I don't really like to make excuses for people acting like animals, doing ugly things to hurt other people; however, I walk with Deer medicine, who teaches that unconditional love is loving both light and dark and that fear does not exist in the presence of love. If we want a solution to end violence, we have to stop denying that we are any different from those who act out in horrible ways. When we deny that we are one, we build on the illusion that we are separate and perpetuate fear out into the world.

Life is full of choices.

4:00 a.m woke up for sadhana. I acknowledge all the little steps I take. I can't remember ever getting up that early for myself and today I did. I did it for myself to strengthen my will and to create more harmony and balance within myself. I did it because I noticed an experience of guilt for having an "imperfect" practice, leading me to doubt myself.

Focusing on the guilt of past actions, often lead to worries about the future... however, focusing on the small stuff that we can do will help us see that life is full of choices. When we make choices that we later regret, there will always be opportunities to
make another choice that will bring us back to harmony. The first thing we can do is take responsibility for our choices. I remember noticing how free my friend Ryland was when he CHOSE a difficult situation that he was being presented with. This way of being completely inspires me to choose my experiences, despite the challenges, to free myself of the illusion that I am not free. Seeing choice also helps me to let go of the distorted belief that I am inherently "wrong".

Focusing on what small steps can be made helps me to be more present to living in the now. I am much more inspired to learn through who I am being about things, and especially when I am being in integrity, that is when I am honest with myself. Because, even though I may not yet have the discipline or the lifestyle to get up every morning for sadhana, everything I do that reflects what is really important to me, such as devotion, commitment and love brings me back to harmony with who I am at my core.

2011: Commitment and cultivation

This new year, I am committed to being completely in my own energy. Recognizing when I am and when I am not, continuing to learn energy boundaries to release the energies which are not mine. It is a practice. I am committed to self-care, self-love and cleaning my mirror. My path this year is to continue to learn and grow from all my experiences. My path right now is in cultivating the soil in which I dance through life.

The soil- is rich, healthy. I feed it good thoughts, with people that nurture creative ideas. I am curious about everything and therefore, I remain alert and always learn. I remain true to my internal convictions, that which resonates, listening according to what the soil needs in the moment. Inspiration is fed with good conversation, study, practice, and service. Even seemingly negative experiences have something to teach me. They go to the compost and get digested into fertile soil. I am dancing in the world: active. nourished. nurtured. Listening. Trusting. The earth supports me. God supports me. I know this and therefore, I can let go with more ease.

Loneliness

I've noticed and been contemplating loneliness lately. I've been feeling/experiencing it, knowing however that it is just a feeling and not really true. I KNOW at my core that I am never alone and therefore this loneliness is illusion, like so much else. Everyone experiences it. We often wait to be saved. We distract ourselves from having this experience. We deny that it exists.

For what am I lonely of? Is it to be seen? To know that someone gets me? Walks beside me? To know that I am loved? To feel the presence of another? To experience intimacy? Or is it to be touched, experience affection? To know that I am wanted? I've created these thoughts, these ideas; however they are all attainable, they are already present. I can love and be loved, even when no one is in the room. In fact, no one else IS in the room. I see that I have been isolating myself; however, love is always present wherever I look.

I often choose to be to myself. I often choose to be non-committed and unattached. I want to be free and my choices reflect that cause i do exactly what I want, when I want. It is rare that I "have to" and I often don't show up. I am authentic to myself about what I want; however, I am considering this loneliness, as a need for balance.

What do I want?

I want to show up more. I want to be out. I want to resonate with everyone.

So I am. I am showing up more. I am meeting new people. I am being an invitation for "others" to know me and for me to know "others." I see us all wanting to be seen, we all experience feeling lonely. I know that I am loved and I am not afraid to invite or show up because I know that it matters, simply because I carry the attitude that it does.

In a tarot reading, I asked "how come this experience?" It created another realization that I hadn't seen. My experience has been created from a "regret of past actions," "guilt." It is true, I have been feeling guilty that I have not looked into tickets or put much time or effort into seeing my family in Los Angeles. I haven't gotten it together, even though I want to see them. I am afraid that they are going to make up a story about me and it will feed loneliness within them.

So with this realization, I must accept. I must accept that I may not see them. I must accept myself and not create stories. After all, they choose too. I must accept myself and where I am at and know within me that none of it means anything. I will see them. I stay present to what I can do and I honor my present limitations.

Honoring Jesus through Forgiveness.

Jesus teaches about forgiveness, for even through abuse, ridicule, and torture, he had the space in his heart to forgive those who were doing him harm.

"Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.”

How many people can we forgive today? I believe Jesus would rather us honor his birth this Christmas by rejoicing in his teachings and forgiving one another, than through mass consumption of things. Every time we forgive another, we are healing ourselves of wounds and clearing space in our hearts for more love to enter. Every time we forgive another, we are clearing hurt in them, freeing them of guilt and creating opportunity for different ways of being.
____________________________________

Forgive me Father, for I am afraid of my neighbor. The neighbors across the street, from where I heard shootings. Forgive me for it is difficult to see them- eye to eye. I do not want to look at them. I feel intimidated by them and I wish they did not exist. I want to cry for the people that know them, the innocent...at least the children.

"Fear not my child. For you are they and they are you."

O.k. I remember when I, in school, fought for my protection. It was what I knew how to do, to react to criticism and meanness. I felt vulnerable and I fought because I felt this way. Like them, I fought for my protection because I felt threatened. Even though, I wasn’t ever really. It was ego. I know now. It was protection from my ego being hurt. If nothing real can be threatened, then what do I have to fear. I enjoy my body. I enjoy this existence; however, if I die, I will die in peace, believing that I will be an angel and if not, I will reincarnate until that time comes.

To them life is a battlefield.

Do I perpetuate their fear by calling the cops? Whom have guns? They create problems because they do not receive love. They may have been brought up into meanness and shame. They may be dealing with energies that are not even their own. They cause and create problems also because they do not know love.

Are cops loving?

Cops are afraid too. Fear perpetuates itself.

I pray for them and I pray for there protection and those too that they are
fighting. I pray for peace. I pray that they see and experience love. I pray to be a source of love, rather than a source of fear for them. I pray for guidance and protection.

I forgive my neighbors and I forgive myself for courting negative ideas about them.

What are we here for?

Fear not love, however examine that which it is based on.
Is it need?
Is it desire?
Is it loneliness?

Is it compatibility? Comraderie and/or spiritual development and growth?


We are often not aware or we forget that who we encounter in life are gifts from the universe, blessing us with lessons to reflect upon. We are light and love and we could be intentionally, purposefully choosing to live life this way. Instead, we often get out of presence with others, filling ourselves with lies about ourselves and forgetting who we are. We then begin to distrust, become needy and start to see those that are in our life, not as extensions of ourselves, but "others," those who give to us something that we do not believe we already have. This drains our essential life force and effects our spirituality.

So what if we all make a daily commitment to see that those we encounter in life are really just extensions of ourselves, gifts from the universe. How about making a commitment to see the presence of love in everyone, and base our encounters on our own and each others spiritual growth and development. What would life be like if we let go of our attachment to be right, to get ahead, make money...ect, and began to accept that all we are here for is it heal with and experience unconditional love and acceptance.

Personally, I feel powerful to make this commitment. This commitment helps me to direct my life with purpose, to walk with courage and dignity. It helps me to accept where I am, who I am and it helps me to let go of attachment and not knowing.

I thank the universe for the lessons and gifts of love and light reflected back at me.

Self-Reflection and Being with what is

Written Yesterday:

BLUE HERON
:

It’s medicine reminds us that “self-improvement is best accomplished by balancing the desire to change with gentle discernment”

Yesterday I noticed myself feeling a little guilty about missing practice. I was tired and conflicted, as I sat on my floor in contemplation. “Should I push through and practice or should I listen to my body and relax?” So I was carried with the medicine of Blue Heron, which reminded me how little things matter when I become self-absorbed and start criticizing myself. Blue Heron teaches that self-reflection is never self-criticizing, rather it is a peeling of layers of truth that are bound in being simply human.

This reflection helps me to see that whether I miss a day of practice or not means absolutely nothing; it’s that I forgive myself that counts. It is my reverence, my honor and respect for myself and it is knowing who I AM: devoted, committed, LOVE. I know that I am always forgiven when I forgive myself.

Other valuable lesson that I can take from this? Well- the night before missing a day of practice, I chose to drink wine and be with a friend. Drinking affects my balance. I had a good time, but I also like to be balanced. So the experience helps me to see that with every cause there is an effect and ultimately, I choose.

I am grateful for these experiences.

Peace and Awareness

As my nervous system gets stronger through spiritual practice, kundalini yoga and chiropractic care, I am more sensitive and less drawn to substances and other unhealthy ways of responding to emotional "upsets," such as fear. Also, I notice that I am much more self-contained and less driven by impulse. I notice through feeling more and this creates in me awareness. Even so, I know this feeling can not be taken for granted, for there are moments when my will fights with my desire for emotional satisfaction, reward, and tendencies that take me out of being present. I am reminded that this work on SELF and seeing ONE is a constant practice, a constant playing ground where there are moments when I simply feel tired, frustrated, lonely, and scared. Yet, as with any other playground, I see that I am not alone. I see that there are some people who are very energetic to play on this playground, they are sharing resources and being with each other, and there are people who do not yet even know that where they are is a playground. These people tend toward violence and react in ways that perpetuate fear. However, seeing that choosing to play on the playground is a constant practice, I realize that these people are also me.

Put into perspective, I am choosing to see life as a playground, rather than a battlefield, despite the violence that is happening in my neighborhood and in the world. I am choosing awareness. I am choosing oneness. I am choosing peace through this awareness. Peace from within vibrating throughout the playground, thereby creating more of it. I am choosing also forgiveness, for when I fall out of the game that life is a playground, I must be gentle and forgive myself so that I can bathe in my humanness and continue playing.

May this vibration of love penetrate into hearts whose tendencies are toward the battlefield. May we be reminded of the love within ourselves and choose peace by seeing oneness in each other.

letting go of specialness.

A course in Miracles:

"To value specialness is to esteem an alien will to which illusions of yourself are dearer than the truth...Here is your savior from your specialness. He is in need of your acceptance of himself as part of you, as you for his."


The cosmic game. To live in truth, in knowing that we are one and the same. No one is special but we are all the same. So when we strive to be seen as special, we are really denying ourselves and others the right to be the same. Thus, we are diminishing ourselves and others when we compare, deny, and/or separate one from another. This is when we start to live an illusion. We begin to create ourselves as "different" and build on the illusion of separation and fear.

So even when I judge myself, I am distinguishing others as different from me and I am perpetuating negative emotions and guilt out into the world. If I deny myself my own humility, I am denying others there right to be who they are. If I do not accept myself, I do not accept others. If I do not accept others, they do not accept me. When we do not accept ourselves, we build on an illusion, and so the cycle continues.

I see the challenge as coming down to this: when we HOLD situations on the material plane of reality as more significant than our own and others spiritual growth and development, we feed and begin to live an illusion. The challenge is in Letting go.

So CHEERS to being ourselves and setting each other free.

"Wearing my heart on my sleeve."

To mom:

Heart:
I choose.
To leave it exposed.
To stay vulnerable
Although at times, i want to close it out of fear.
Despite suffering
Remembering, who I am is love.
The wounds, which are not love, are what I am healing from.
The wounds of separation and fear itself.

I choose to wear my heart, not on my sleeve, but where it resides.
However open and exposed.
I walk courageously
Knowing.
To do so
means everything and nothing at the same time.
With gratitude.
I am thankful for all for the opportunities to see myself, the ONE self.

Resonating with One: the Negative Mind

The universal mind.
Interesting how two clairvoyants advised me the same thing, without me even telling them.
People's energies like to stick around me.
Ask them if they have a message and kindly, thankfully ask them to leave.
So today, I took some time communicating with what message I might be learning about the negative mind.

After practicing yoga all day and then while taking zumba class, the negative mind started to disturb me. A great deal of judgement and self-abuse I was hearing. I was really surprised and naturally, I wanted to tell the negative mind to "shut up," I wanted to suppress it. I felt ashamed of it and...honestly, I do not feel that this energy is mine. I believe it is a spiritual test. So what do I have to learn? What message am I getting?

It is that ability to resonate with one. The message is that people are carrying around other people's energies and abusing themselves and judging others and they do not know what to do about it. They can't stand their negative mind but they do not know how to shut the negative mind up, so they judge themselves and they judge other people and they do not evolve because they feel stuck.

This too could be me. I can resonate with the feeling of, after hours of practice and diligence and devotion, a good deal of frustration and worry that I could end up stuck in samsara, the karmic cycle of death and rebirth. However, I am not giving up and for whatever path I am on, I am certain that it is in healing.

Contemplation

"For the ignorant, this body is the source of endless suffering, but to the wise person, this body is the source of infinite delight."

Falling in love/ self-love

I believe I am falling in love.
Does it mean anything...?
I will just let myself be with this experience.
My heart open. Grateful. Vulnerable. Scary. Joyous. Desirous.

Stay present.

I let go of what it means.
I let go of expectations.
I surrender to whatever it is.

I do not know what is in my own best interest.
I only "know" that this is a practice in self-love and being present to love's presence.
A strong mirror perhaps. A reflection of myself. Yes.
This is not selfish love.
It is relating with purpose.
It is relating to know self- God.
It is a choice.

So I remind myself
to stay authentic to me.
while keeping an open mind. an open heart.
Firmly rooted in intention and purpose.
The purpose which is to see God. To see Love.
To see the reflection of myself.

Emotional balance during challenges

The past 2 days were bumpy, as I noticed myself in my thoughts more. Thoughts about scarcity, not being enough, as well as feeling sad and broken hearted about friendships.

I comforted myself a great deal yesterday, knowing that I am never alone, acknowledging that friendships on the material plane of reality are an illusion anyway. What does it matter if I or a friend emotionally distance from each other? Does it mean anything? Perhaps only that ego was driving the relationship. A friend wants to be more than platonic friends, there is no reciprocity, one perhaps is left frustrated and needs distance...all to serve the ego, but perhaps for respectable reasons. He said, "I have to let go." "I don't feel special." I said, "ok," and I was fine with it, except perhaps, it opened his very same wound in me. "I don't feel special."

I can find humor in that. After all, I can relate to how frustrating it is to NOT have my desire to feel special fulfilled by another person. So- I'm swallowing good medicine.

The challenge really is in staying open-hearted to new and developing friendships, despite ego's desire to fulfill a need to feel special.

Practices for emotional balance:

I trust.
I surrender.
I am one with God.

A calming, warm bath with aromatherapy for the heart center.
A walk in the cool night with fresh air.
Alternative nostril breathing- 10 minutes+
Meditation, holding acupressure points. 11 min +
Reading with purpose to understand self.
Yoga
Visualization to elevate the heart. Good Eagle medicine.
Listening to body, to go home and nurture self- despite fulfilling what I "have to" or "should be" doing
Turning my phone off and cutting off communication to focus on myself.

To emit sexual energy without a clear intention

Ahh- another thing to learn about myself.

Many people, I have heard, have thought that I want to date them or sleep with them.
Almost always, it is not the case.
What is it about me that gives people this vibe?
________________________________________________

There will continue to be imbalanced sexual energy between men and women, until we strive for the the balance within ourselves. This im-balance comes from first, our 2nd chakra, the sacral chakra or sex chakra. The 2nd chakra is concerned with emotion and desire. Until we work on cleansing the distorted perceptions that drive ego, our emotional stability will be dependent on a desire to feel special. Thus, our actions will be based in our desire to satisfy the ego. If it is balanced, we will have a sense of accepting and allowing and we will desire to share with others. An imbalanced 2nd chakra will perpetuate worry and anxieties about fears that come from a lack of confidence in self and one's abilities.

If our 2nd chakra is out of balance, we will more likely REACT from our 3rd chakra, the solar plexus chakra. Our ego will be wrapped up in feeling special, rather than seeing oneness. We might relate to others insecurely and manipulate sexually, in order to fuel our ego-ic drive...
____________________________________________

Hmm.

Admittedly, I have strong sexual urges. I believe it is a part of my genetic make-up and also a tool for creative endeavors that I am just now starting to understand. However, I am seeing that my relating may either drive sexual urges in others, without my intending to do so, and perhaps even have people question my intentions.

I also know that I am very loving and warm and I like to be psychically close to people. In a balanced society, perhaps, my actions, my affection, would be sisterly and it would catalyze others to feel secure within themselves about their sexuality. Even if so, I have to take responsibility for projecting sexual desires unto other people, without consciously intending to do so. I see this is perhaps a response coming from an imbalanced 2nd and 3rd chakra. My journey to understand myself, feel confident in my abilities and explore my creative potential is still unfolding. Perhaps I grasp for a sense of security within myself outwardly onto others. I emit sexual energy because, it is there, existing within me, however, not yet fully, creatively expressed.

I am learning about boundaries. I am learning about holding space and loving, while keeping my sexual energy for myself to be used for creative endeavors.

I am emotionally balanced.
I am sister.
I am creative energy.

Progress.

Busy like a bee.
Standing tall like a tree.

Exploring my horizons.
"Who am I?"

Knowing when it is time to be alone.
Relishing times when I am home.

"Who am I?"

Living in the truth.
Yet, still noticing judgments.
I let them go quickly
the seeds hardly sow.

"Who am I?"

I am Content.
I am Inspired.
I am letting go.

Uncertainty

I asked God today, "how can I know that I will be provided for?"

God answered, "Fall."

That's tough!

How I see this happening, however, is in taking risks. I keep saying "yes" to things that I am not getting paid for. I have a job, but I am working less and devoting my time to studies, practice, and school.

Big breath. Trusting in the unfolding of what i don't know. Destiny!

When a stream enters a river

Refining my practice.

Sound meditation.

Mantra.

echo the vibration of love, creation, and power.

Never to be abused.

Always looking within.

My words are only true, if they resonate with the self.

My judgments are only valid if they help others.

Cleanse me.

I notice: blame---> Projection.

Ego thinks it's right.

Intuition about others?

To know and see a situation for what it is and yet, to accept others for who they are in the moment.

I could be wrong.

Who knows?

Thoughts create through words.

"Speak right."

Have integrity.

Choosing my words.

Give me time.

Take my time.

No need to hurry.

Love.

"Is this love that I am speaking?"

Fearless.

Noticing...words like, "Be careful."

Uncomfortable. I hear fear.

"Be mindful."---> that is wisdom.

Yes- be present and mindful.

I notice.

Nuerosis.

Everyone has it.

Ego doesn't see it though.

Insanity and consciousness.

Insanity is created by ego. A defense.

Let it go.

Freedom: Just "be."

HA! A powerful lesson to see.
Thoughts create through words.

Just be.

I created some non-sense, a single thought became a word.
I reacted. I felt guilty.

Just be.

Thinking it would set me free.
I tricked myself. Cause I actually felt heavy, less free.

Just be.

I was looking outside of myself.
Forgetting that I could...
Just be.

The medicine of Coyote teaches about humility and our ability to notice when we are being tricked and laugh. I am grateful.

I notice. I acknowledge. I set myself free.

Why did I feel that sting? I ask.
I am grateful.
Thank you for being my friend.
Thank you for referring me.
Thank you for seeing me.
Thank you for your respect and support.

I forgive myself.
For I felt jeolous of you. It latest just a moment but it was an uncomfortable moment.
I forgive myself and I hope you forgive me too.

I do not need to go into why I felt jeolous.
However, within you, I see aspects of myself.
A beautiful reflection of myself.
Thank you!

I am making present what I noticed within myself.
Because jeolousy is an ugly friend that I have no commitment to.

I am free.

I can acknowledge what I felt and let it go
Knowing, it is not me.

Everything and nothing

The path:

I am nothing and I am everything.
I am in the middle.
not positive or negative.
Good nor bad.
I am nothing.
I am everything.
I am one with all.
I am light and dark.
I am God and Goddess.
Quiet and listening.
Choosing and creating.
I am one with all.

__________________________

The mind desires much.
Passion.
What is wrong with passion?
Nothing.
Except that when I desire passion, I suffer.
So I sit in contemplation.
I try to empty my mind and observe my desires.
To detach from my desires.
Trust and patience, I let go.
I love myself for who I am and realize
everything is as it should be.

________________________

I commit
to daily practice.
I commit
to living.
I am a fearless warrior.
I commit.
to see Gods and Goddesses in everyone.
I commit
to ceremony
to acknowledge spirits.
I commit
to healing.
I commit
to study and to listen more
I commit
to connect with myself everyday.
I commit to share in community
I commit to meet others where they are at
I commit to accept.
I commit to inquiry and to love.

I acknowledge you Adrienne Fodor.

Blessing and acknowledgment for today: ADRIENNE FODOR! Truly Gifted Intuitive reader/clairvoyant! I am soooo grateful to have you in the community. To know you. To feel your love. To experience your gifts. Pure love! Mmmm! Thank you so much! You are a gift. Thank you for sharing your medicine!


What I am present to:

my gifts.
who I am and who I am becoming
confidence.
progress.
confirmation.
trust in intuition and insight.
self-love.
interests to follow. my path.
destiny.
more strength and will.

xoxoxo

Practice makes perfect, "i'mperfect" that is.

Practice:

My practice has been looking different since starting Kundalini Yoga teacher training. I have been getting up at 6 a.m. most mornings. I have been taking cold showers since Monday. I have done nahbia kriya every morning since Friday. I meditate for a least 11 minutes a day.

I acknowledge the strides I have been taking.
I am proud of the power to commit, to notice my tendencies more and to break them through practice.
I forgive myself and I feel proud to listen.
I notice myself being grounded. I feel more rooted in the earth when I walk and I feel the difference in my energy,
I am super calm.
I am generally very happy and purposeful.
When I have doubts and insecurities I realize it is just a way of "being" that is not who I am.
I notice fears more quickly. I contemplate, I do my best. I recommit.
I love myself a great deal and so I take little personally.

The Aquarian Age

While the Age of the Pisces was about gaining access to information, the new age, the Age of Aquarius is about "being." It is about action and awakening. Yogi Bhajan describes it as a period without secrets. When information becomes based in real value, which comes from "truth embodied in practical actions and internal caliber." I believe what he is saying is truth which comes from wisdom, internal knowing, intuition and emotional, felt responses.

How exciting then it is to integrate this knowing into our "being." To merge the God and the Goddess, Yin with Yang, intellect with feeling into character, the essence of who we are and how we show up in the world. The Age of Aquarius calls for a time of greater consciousness, although it is predicted that there will be a great deal of suffering, chaos, and insanity. It is up to us to awaken and connect to our own divinity, trust and believe in prayer and intentions, and maintain our health through flexibility and strength.

The 5 Sutras for the Aquarian Age:

1: Recognize that the other person is you.
2: There is a way through every block.
3: When the time is on you, start, and the pressure will be off.
4: Understand through compassion or you will misunderstand the times.
5: Vibrate the Cosmos, the Cosmos shall clear the path

Break down: Negative Emotion: fear, mental health, and the chakra system

Jator. Back in my life. So grateful! I contemplated the stories in the book, "Illusions." I remembered a parable that reminded me that

when we commit to a "being," so then we become!

This is an exciting realization and put into the context of "my" life, I see many things. I've quickly been noticing that within me there is fear, rattling in my body like a snake trapped in a cave. I have been afraid of negative energy. I have been courting the negative idea that there is such a thing as "evil." I have been afraid of judgement. I have been judging myself. I have been doubting myself.

So it is an amazing revelation that when I put energy into something, the energy I get will follow according to how much I gave. This brings to mind that negative emotions will feed negative emotions by attracting more of that energy, as so with positive emotions. Our emotions reflect ways of being, constructed through time. Negative emotions often reflect old patterned beliefs and stories- traumas and conditioning- held in our nervous system and bodies. In the context of vibration: negative emotions have a very low vibration and if not shifted but rather acted out, will attract energy such as fear and guilt. In trauma, I learn, that traumatized people are constantly re-enacting the same trauma, the same fear and are often unaware that they are doing so. With this said, we can say that guilt and fear perpetuate through re-enactment; when we are afraid and especially when we act out on our fears, we call our own fears to us. This is the law of karma. Additionally, it is ironic that the lowest vibration in the chakra system is #1, the root chakra, most associated with fear.


The lowest chakra is also connected to water. In Chinese Medicine, water is ruled by kidney. Coincidently, Kidney, when out of balance, is related to the emotion: fear. When our kidney meridean is in balance, on the other hand, we are more likely to act courageously and without judgment. Our kidneys are also where our great reserve of energy is stored. When we are in a constant state of fear, it is likely that our kidneys are effected and we will have issues processing life's stresses and have fluctuating energy patterns and sleep difficulties.


The root chakra is also associated with our sense of security, which is greatly influenced by how we were treated between the ages of conception and 8. It is where much trauma and abuse live. If we are blocked in our root chakra by fear it will be more difficult to trust others and God. When we are unable to trust in life processes or in our connection to the divine source, it is likely that our health will deteriorate mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

Eastern cultures have used the chakra system for 1000s of years and is greatly associated with the science of kundalini energy. Our kundalini is often described as a serpent, resting with its tail in its mouth. When it awakens, which could be at any time, the kundalini energy vitalizes the chakras, which are constantly spinning vortices of energy that hold both positive and negative emotions, memories, and associations. The kundalini energy, when awakened, has the potential to lead one to a greater connection to themselves, God, and consciousness. When it is out of balance, however, it could lead to neurosis and other mental, emotional, spiritual dis-eases.

Looking at the chakra system and kundalini energy to understand mental, spiritual, and physical ailments is an exciting discovery that I hope others will embrace.

Letting go

I am still processing a relationship that I feel I must let go of.
In it, I felt deep love, longing, compassion, fear, and sadness.
I discern that his ego is very strong and
I believe that he needs healing.
I was fighting fire with water.
Consciously, I want to heal him with unconditional love, because I really care about him.
Unconsciously, I wanted to heal family wounds.
I learned- people have to consciously want healing, which can be very hard work.
It is difficult to accept where I am limited but I do.
I trust that letting go of negativity is the best thing to do.
I am learning- how to approach mental and spiritual health issues.
I am learning- to notice and to let go without my ego wanting to dismiss, deny, or try to fit "what happened?" into a box.
I choose to accept and forgive what is.
I choose to stay open-hearted and receptive.
My faith is strong; love heals and healing is always possible.
I trust that this is a process I must need to go through.

There is death in letting go, yet there is new life to embrace.
Death breeds transformation.
I am excited, inspired, awe-struck, and filled with compassion and love.

The Unity of One: Light and Dark

"The Supreme Critic on the errors of the past and the present, and the only prophet of that which must be, is that great nature in which we rest, as the earth lies in the soft arms of the atmosphere; that Unity, that Oversoul, within which every man's particular being is contained and made one with all other; that common heart, of which all sincere conversation is the worship, to which all right action is submission; that overpowering reality which confutes our tricks and talents, and constrains every one to pass for what he is, and to speak from his character, and not from his tongue, and which evermore tends to pass into our thought and hand, and become wisdom, and virtue, and power and beauty. We live in succession, in division, in parts, and in particles. Meantime, within man is the soul of the whole; the wise silence; the universal beauty, to which every part and particle is related; the eternal ONE...A man is the facade of a temple wherin all wisdom and all good abide. What we commonly call man, the eating, drinking, planting, counting man, does not, as we know him, represent himself, but misrepresents himself. Him we do not respect, but the soul, whose organ he is, would he let it appear through his action, would make our knees bend. When it breathes through his intellect, it is genius; when it breathes through his will, it is virtue; when it flows through his affection, it is love." -Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self Reliance and other Essays. "The Oversoul."


How often do we misrepresent ourselves? How often do we speak from our tongues and not from our hearts? Do we act out of fear rather than love? Do we give other people the benefit of the doubt and love them, not for what they've accomplished, but for who they are? How often do we choose to forgive others and accept them, even when they do not respect us? How often do we choose to see our oneness, looking within rather than out? How often do we love ourselves?


The challenge is a practice and I am just another student, making mistakes and noticing when I fall. However, the opportunities to see love in every moment, to choose love, to acknowledge fear, is an intention that is about resonating with one. It is a commitment to see the goodness, despite the fear, the "bad" or seemingly "evil" that is, in reality, within all of us.

Setting intentions-->
Affirmations/Prayers to the Divine: God and Goddess:

Dear God and Goddess,
Release me of the conditions that create fear.
Guide me to removing the blocks of the illusion that I am separate.
Help me to clear my perception and see the love in all things.

I am God and Goddess both.
I am strength-receiving
I am committed to light and love.
I see and know that I am love.
I choose to water the seeds of love.
To love myself.
To love others.
To see the love in everything and everyone.
I forgive and accept myself and others.

Revised/continued: I want a partner is that true? Questioning thoughts.

"I want a partner," is that true?

Sometimes I get impatient and lack trust in finding true companionship. A friend who will really be my friend, without expectation of sex or anything more than who I am in the moment. Perhaps, in part, this comes from a story that I've created that all men are looking for a relationship or sex. Perhaps we are getting older and people are feeling more interested in deep intimacy and they wonder how deeply intimate a platonic relationship can go...

I believe that- I AM PROJECTING! HA!

I accept that I want intimacy. I desire true companionship, a great FRIEND who is patient and loving and interested in moving slow, someone who is more interested in being my friend than having sex with me.

I am learning that:

I do not need a relationship with any one person to fulfill my need to feel special. In fact, it is not what I want at all! I don't want a relationship to feel special, to feed my ego; I desire true, authentic relationships/friendships. I desire to know and be with other beings who are on the spiritual path with me, they want to learn about themselves and create for the good of others and the earth!

I am enjoying just BEING with friends and by myself, every moment is an opportunity. There is so much power in the present moment, so much more to experience. It is a constant practice and I often have to remind myself. It is getting easier to notice however.

I notice and I love the giving and receiving in relationship. When I stop being generous, I feel less connected to my true self.

Deep intimacy can be felt in true friendship, where the seeds of trust and love are without conditions; It starts with the self.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I want a relationship? Is that true? Would it mean that he/she was always around? I don’t want that. but yes, I want to be with someone where quality resides over quantity and yet, I have the integrity within to not take offense. I notice that this frustration of not feeling wanted or loved, only comes from a need to feel special, which culture has conditioned me into thinking "IS" love. to feel special is not to be loved. I know that I am loved and appreciated because I AM love and love expands and extends to others loving me. This is not self-seeking, but, what I believe to be a universal law or truth. It just is.

when the time is right, he/she will come. It will be natural and easy. He/she will want to be with me and will also understand the essential quality of space and balance. He/she is beautiful and loving. I will feel all the love, an unconditional love, real and divine love. "They" will be present with me to see and know me. Our love will slow down time. It will be healthy. We will both be committed to a mutual goal: spiritual growth and development. Until then, the love within me grows. I am watering the seeds of self-love.

Freedom is a State of Mind: working through guilt and fear

Mountain Lion Medicine teaches, lead by example, through personal integrity.





Guilt:

Today, I am letting go of guilt. I am becoming one and resonating with all those people who feel guilty and ashamed because they are out of integrity in their own lives. I feel out of integrity, driving so much. I feel out of integrity because driving is not sustainable and it is not who I am. I am resonating with all those people feeling heavy because of their own choices. I see that I choose to have a car. I will let the guilt go and I will be grateful for my car, for right now, it has a purpose. I am grateful for my car.

and..living alone. I feel some guilt because I am living alone. I really like to live alone. I feel I need the space for my balance. but is that true? Probably it is not. I do not need to live alone, I just want to, and I can accept this choice, because this choice came from a vision and I do not regret listening to this vision. I have been doubting living alone because I am working a lot and this transitional period creates anxiety for me. Breathe.

“This too shall pass.” Whoever said those words, inspires me. Guilt. Fear. They are low vibrations. I choose to trust and love, be patient, work hard, and show up! My vibration already seems to lighten, I feel more free.

I am now remembering the book, “Man’s search for meaning.” by Victor Frankl. Living in a concentration camp, where death was a constant reminder and what did he do? He chose to be generous, to hold space for others. He teaches that freedom is a state of mind.

Nothing Real Can Be Threatened

I believe I am getting clearer at removing the obstacles that get in the way of seeing and being love. Indeed, I ask for it everyday and it is nice to notice. During an intuitive reading my friend affirmed that I have come along way. Could it be at this, in seeing truth, which is love and everything else as unreal?

Today a lesson I am learning came to mind. I had a complaint. I saw myself voicing my opinion, my dislike for a certain language on a piece of paper at work..."required" printed out over a dozen times. While I projected that the language was threatening and unnecessary, the truth was that it triggered fear and I felt threatened. Suddenly, I remembered a lesson, "nothing real can be threatened." Understanding overcame me and I no longer needed to state my "complaint." Why? Because my complaint was based on fear, I felt threatened by the language, but was it truth? Was the written document really meant to be threatening? Was my complaining, my need to speak up, really an act of love or was it my ego, based on a thirst to be right?
It was indeed and as I noticed myself understand, peace restored itself and I was no longer afraid. In that moment, I surrendered to love.

What a beautiful thing to notice! Ask to see truth/love, stay committed and be real with intent and you will be heard. I am constantly present to judgments that arise, as I notice them quickly fall, restored back to love. I am so grateful of this and I am grateful for the mirrors, the spiritual warriors committed to transformation and unconditional love. My comrades!

Xxoo.

I am a spiritual warrior of love

Purpose. I believe I have found a purpose. What beauty it is to discover a part of myself that, at my core, always was. Balance is always a consideration. Peace is always a practice. At more core, who I am is love. At everyone's core, who they are is love. That is what I will choose to see. That is what I am choosing to practice.

Behind all deception, manipulation, and fear is a cry for love. Behind all anger is a cry for love.
We are spiritual warriors of love, meant to shine light on the darkest parts of ourselves.
We are meant to heal in this life...
Every encounter, every situation is an opportunity to heal
-from the illusion of separation
-the ego which separated us
and told us we aren't one.

We are one
and
one is love.

Look at judgement.
Notice how the ego wants to be right.
Observe how this creates separation.
Thereby preventing us from seeing who we really are: love.

Acknowledge Pain. Trauma. Abuse. Visions of past lives.
That keep us from allowing ourselves to experience loves presence.
Love is all around.
We heal with love.

Jaguar medicine

The past few days have been challenging. I struggled and dwelled in financial burden and I have family visiting and their friends who are on vacation. It is not a good time to be social really with so much change in the midst; and yet I cherish being with people, especially my sister who is from out of town. So I am left with room for temperance and the faith that this will be understood in good time and without regret. Temperance is honoring my feelings, to consider my balance according to how I feel in the moment and to act accordingly.

I have also been finding myself indulging in things that aren't necessarily good for me. I realize that this not listening affects my spirit. Although, the medicine of Jaguar is useful at this time. Jaguar teaches about integrity and doing one's best, while allowing room for mistakes, through embracing forgiveness. Jaguar "humbly makes self-directed corrections, allowing a rebalanced spirit to triumph once again.... Integrity requires a forgiving and an open heart."








Who I am is love. My mission is love.

Real men worship womyn

I'll date and be friends with men (and womyn), considering the possibilities, but I'm looking for a real man (probably a man) to share more intimacy with. It's taken some time to realize my own divinity, but now that I am present to myself (God and Goddess within me), I do not need a relationship to feel whole or complete within myself. I have what I need. I am enough.

I desire a lover, sure, but I suppose that the time might not be right. So I'll just wait patiently, knowing, trusting that he will come to me. Our union will be divine and it will be worth the wait.

A man who is present to his own divinity and seeks for balance within the divine feminine. He will be strong-minded, fun, adventurous, loving and kind to others. He will be a gift from the universe. Present to his own divinity, he will be balanced enough within himself.

I'm not going to settle for less.

My faith in the God and the Goddess within all of us.

"Nothing external matters...except as it shows you it's inner reflection."

People come into my life, circumstances arise and I am constantly at thought as to "how come?" Perhaps there is little meaning to such encounters of people coming and going. However they are strong mirrors reflecting ways of being that I have once been or could relate to in some way, oneness resonating. Perhaps these reflections are omens of what is to come.

I surrender. I am centered. I trust. My faith is strong.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Imitate the wind.
Cultivate the soil.
Know the self.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"Consider not what will benefit you but what will benefit others and act according to the light you possess now in your life...total honesty is required."

I pray for help in removing the obstacles- the fear of not being good enough, the fear of being hurt- that gets in my way of being fully of service, generous and utilizing of what gifts I already do have, using them to help ONE, for loves sake. Giving for the sake of giving and without expectation to receive anything in return.

My faith is in the God and the Goddess within all of us.

I fear that not enough people see it within themselves//turnaround: I fear that I do not see it enough within myself, is that true?

sometimes I do not feel as strong as I would like. I am very receptive however. Since God is movement and initiation and Goddess is receptive and in touch with feelings- my journey is in cultivating more strength within myself and I would like to feel all the senses more, which requires slowing down. I want to taste, touch, breath, smell, see things for what they really are: divine love. So yes. I see I have a ways to go and I can only teach what I practice. I have some reservations about how much I can help people and this prevents me from being powerful and present.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"To be in the world, but not of it."

To live a full life. To play the game. To create. To serve and yet not to take things too seriously or take things personally.

cultivate my fire!

I am ecstatic to feel uplifted! In an intuitive reading with Adrienne Fodor, I was amazed by what beautiful advice she was giving and how much it was resonating.

Key words: cultivate my fire, balance my elements.. bodywork, earth, sun, heat, complete foods... What I imagine cultivating my inner fire is following my passions and listening to myself. A week off.

Today was a melancholy day. I was questioning what my passion was and doubting that it existed. While I kept myself stable throughout the day at work, I started to break a bit, revealing to others that I was stressed out and BEING depressed. Uncertain by my thoughts, unable at times to break free of them, I began to realize and notice that this is where a little space is crucial. Space to sit, to breathe, to generate more light....

When I got home, I took a lot more space, All of a sudden, the fire got brighter as I began to move through and create the possibility of having my own space and living alone. While I have been living alone for quite some time, subletting my friend's space, the thought of creating my own space, a place to live and work from got really exciting!

Lately, I've been hearing myself speak about the need to make my practice my work, using the tools and skills I already have and refining them and using them for sessions with people. I do not yet know where my practice will lead, but I trust that I will know more by just starting with what tools I already have. There is fear and risk and maybe this is also cultivating more passion/fire.

So now I am excited about the possibility of a cute, sunny and affordable studio/one bedroom in a convenient location, either in the east bay or in the city, close to nature and in a warm location!

The power of love

Glory to ALL
Is the power of love
Pay attention to the gifts and the signs
that just so happen to fall from the sky.
every encounter
every experience
to explore the unknown
the depths of my being
and then to let go.
Therein lies- a power to love.

A conscious love-
to love for the sake of love.
ONE with all.
I release the fear, the blocks that get in the way, experiencing loves presence.

Glory is in the power to love.

My intention.

Sometimes I have a sense that I am driving in a fast lane and it is getting in the way of me living a fully sensual and ecstatic life.

What is my intention?

Lately, I've been imagining being at home more and waking up with plenty of time for practice and self-care. Life without too many appointments and more time spent in a back yard on a hammock or in a comfortable chair- reading, studying, playing my flute, having an inspiring conversation, being with family, and letting my body just be at ease. I see nature walks more and running and a collective garden. I imagine drinking tea often and living an ecstatic life full of play, dance, and worship. I feel good in my body, my mind, and my heart. I see myself choosing more powerfully and I imagine work to be even more in line with my true purpose in being and service to LOVE.

Ch-ch-ch-changes! Time to face the change...

Change is in the air. I do not yet know where I will live in August. I have 2 weeks to find out. Gladly, I am not worried. I know that I have options. I trust that the universe will point me in the direction I need to go. Right now, I am drawn to the East Bay. My body says "yes," although practically speaking, school is there and it is quieter. I may return to my sublet in the city in November, although I desire family, a family that wishes to live and create a sacred space with me. I may move into a house of beautiful and amazing womyn that I know. That is ideal; however, I let go of any ideas or thoughts that there are particular people in my life to fulfill my needs. Yes. I need people. I couldn't survive without them, and yet, I am told that the greatest lesson in living is in letting go of expectations of how things and people should be. It is a constant practice for us Scorpios and probably many others.

Instead of maintaining control, I am flexible, light-hearted, and loving.

Admittedly, it is uncomfortable to feel out of control. Like a student on an abounding river that has no banks, I strive for some sense of it. The greatest and most powerful sense of control I have however is in my emotions. At times, I just want to scream and yell curse words. Generally, I'm pretty even. Occasionally, I will get to a point of exhaustion and have no energy that I will need to relax and do nothing or play on my flute or sit and pray or sleep. Throughout my day, I might make subtle noises and I will shake to allow the vibration/energy to flow through me and out. This is a very healing tool to practice, yet many people look at me like I'm crazy.

Good night.

"The only way beyond the body is through the body."


Sri Yantra:

Sri Yantra and the human body are identical to each other. Sitting in the human body are locations where the male and female principles are in absolute union: at the base of the body, at the heart, and in the crown of the head."

-The convergence of masculine and feminine forces in the body. When the whole body/mind relaxes out of natural relatedness making ONE.
-Connection with the heart
-4 upward moving triangles: God/Divine Masculine: Pointing toward the Cosmos
-5 downward moving triangles: Divine Feminine/the Goddess: Point toward Earth/ground.

Female/Male, Yin/Yang:

We are female and male in nature.

The Goddess: the nurturing force of life, Mother. Receptive.
The God: the active force, movement. Strengthening.

To strengthen one is to receive another.

What I'm learning?

We all have needs at times. Even so, there is a difference in simply having needs and knowing that all our needs can be found within ourselves. Cultivating a deep and intimate relationship with myself is an essential quality in relating to ONE through my being in the world. It is in an intimate relationship to knowing myself that my needs will most likely be met.

How to create an intimate relationship with myself?

Treating my body as a temple.
Making love to myself.
Listening to my inner guides.
Doing what I really want to do.
Using and integrating all the senses.
Self-control.
Practice daily.
Being in my body. Movement and breath.
Therapy.
Music.
Forgiving others and myself when mistakes are made.
Letting go. Nurturing within.
Eat pure, clean and light.
Setting boundaries.
Setting intentions.
Creating a beautiful and intimate space.
Candle-lighting.

I am a Goddess.

I am a Goddess.
I honor myself and my feelings.
I beckon the Divine- help me to feel more.
I want to feel everything!
Every touch. Taste. Smell.
Every encounter.
Every thought. Emotion. Belief.
My body is a temple.
Pure and full of light.
Nurturing within.
Full of feeling.
I am a Goddess.
Strength receiving.
Worshipping the divine feminine.
In me and in everyone.
I worship her.
Non-competing.
One with all.
I am mother. daughter. and sister.
I am a Goddess.

Creating boundaries from unknown and mysterious forces.

3 or 4 days ago:


Something interesting happened to me tonight in yoga class. I don’t want to be too descriptive about it but I felt a negative presence in my space. As I was trying to follow my teacher, I was at the same time, working at how I can protect myself from this negative force. I thought about boundaries.


One of the first things I did was demand that it go away. I realized immediately that this did not help as I felt no relief. The other things I did, perhaps in combination, worked quite well, however. Taking from the information in guided imagery, I thought about tools I could create in my mind to help me distance from this energy and protect myself. I imagined a white light, (still), protecting me, covering my whole body from head to toe. I did not fear this energy, instead I thought maybe it could serve a purpose for me. I held a mudra to block the negative energy. I felt in my body and I breathed. I felt the negative presence being further away.

In my practice, an answer came to me to take a cold shower when I got home. I did not take a cold shower, but I washed my feet in cold water. I read that this cleanses psychic space. I find that holding my head where the energy resides is helpful too. I can’t explain why.

It is interesting to me that often I say in prayer, “may we accept and acknowledge the dark within the light, and yet always focus on the light...” Could this be a manifestation of my prayers? I wonder. I also feel blessed that I do not fear this presence and that it does not come as a surprise to me...

Stretching is BIG.

What a great day! I feel so full! Maybe it is all the wheatgrass I'm having. I've just been on fire all day. Not overanalyzing and getting in my head so much. Today, I am an invitation for others to know me. Today, for example, I sat by this person, an acquaintance, I haven't seen in a while and we talked. I really didn't want to; I get anxiety sometimes around people, especially when it is one-on-one; although many people wouldn't guess it. lol. Spontaneous is good, but when I get in my thoughts and think about spending time with someone I haven't spent time with, I get nervous and I wonder if I'll be seen and accepted for who I am. "Will they be o.k. if I have nothing to say?" is a question that often pops up.

I realize that really the empowering thought to this is, "Can I be o.k. if I have nothing to say? Am I o.k. with who I am and where I am at to accept myself in this present moment, in front of this person?" I make the choice to stretch and when I do, I never regret it. However, usually when I open myself up to another person, it is because I am really loving myself. When I am not loving myself, I want to close up and I am less in my body and heart. More in my thoughts.. Interesting. What I see is what I get. Amazing.

My yoga teacher today invited us to shake and kind of dance on our mats. I giggle at the thought of Elise Lorimer's sense of humor. She said as she was making some crazy movements, "I'll be bold. So you can be bold." YES! Mmmm. Humility. It's still a challenge to bring that goofy side of me out in front of most people. I accept that it is not a key character trait, but I really appreciate when I feel so free that I can just make an ass out of myself and not care. That sense of caring of what people think registered in me when I was a child. I realized this during therapy last week. Earlier in the week, I had a visualization of my head being smashed down. This is triggering sadness in me, so I'm going to take a moment to breathe before I go further...

I'm just going to share myself deeply because maybe this is me embracing humility, maybe this is what free looks like. I saw myself being slammed down, pushed down by an object and I couldn't get my head up. It is a sad feeling and it triggers painful memories during childhood, but I believe I am getting encouragement from the heavens to process this further. I really think I battle most with self-esteem issues, not thinking I'll be good enough. Fortunately, I am conscious and strong enough to not accept these visions as reality and I am grateful for the insight.

Full of gratitude and warmth inside. I love loving me.

I wrote this a few days ago.

Today is beautiful. I am making more efforts to hanging out and accepting more people into my life. It’s still kind of difficult to create a deep and lasting relationship which in many ways I long for. I really desire to have more close friendship(s); I know that in order to have this, I would need to make myself more available and be an invitation for others to know me. I’m so use to having someone around- lover or friend- that really knows me. When I think these thoughts, I feel lonely..so I am acknowledging how important friends are in my life and am doing my best to reach out and be with them!

I also realize that maybe it is just not Gods plan for me to cultivate my relationships right now (?). I know that space is good for me and a level of autonomy is needed for me to learn more about myself and go deep within. It definitely plays a part.

Balance.

I am seeing how I create and by doing so, I am creating more possibility for myself these days. I am seeing that there are infinite possibilities and it depends on how I react. I am noticing when I am judging. I am present to gratitude and the abundance in my life, despite some circumstances that I wont share. lol. I am noticing what excites me. I am giving space where it is needed. I am reaching out instead of going in. I am shedding old ways of being and am exploring myself.

Right now, I am looking for a flute to purchase! I’m so excited about it! I would love to join in circles and make music with people, but what I love about the flute is also that it is simple, beautiful, and I can play it anytime.

In class today, I asked my teacher to lead me in a song. I know he loves singing cause I took a class with him before. We didn’t sing long but it was soo uplifting. I’ve been feeling called to play an instrument and I just love to sing..although I often only know a line or two of a song (lol). I’ve been listening to the flute on cd and I’m just so much more excited about it. Integrating flute music to my practice will be a great addition.

Loving myself through non-judgement of others

If I choose to focus on another persons’ mistakes, incompatibilities, and drawbacks, I am creating them as such and in turn, confining myself to my own limitations. “What we see in others, we strengthen in ourselves.” If I judge others, I am not giving them the space to be who they are in the present moment, to learn from their mistakes, and to grow and evolve out of their past. If I do not grant others the freedom to be who they, how can I expect to break from the confines of my own negative beliefs about myself and accept who I am?

I am beginning to see that loving myself is loving and accepting others as they are. It is common to want to put people in a box, to define who they are as being a certain way. I realize how limiting this is however. If I look for a “weakness” in another, I am likely to focus on their weakness as a problem in my relating to them. If I use judgement to define a person, I am likely to lose sight of the essential qualities within them and miss out on experiencing them as they truly are. When I lose sight of their presence, it is natural that they lose sight of my presence. They too begin to judge. The story is self-perpetuating. When I judge another, I am met with the same energy.

Ironically, I can’t stand being put in a box. For a month, I changed my name so that I didn’t feel constrained by the limitations people had about me (and I had about myself). I realize how confining and inhibiting it is to feel judged. I also realize how liberating and free I feel when I am witnessed in the eyes of another not judging me. This seems to be a perfect example of how I project my fears onto others and how my thoughts and beliefs get mirrored back to me. To me, it is a lesson and a sign.

We are one.

To love whole-heartedly is to acknowledge old wounds.

A friend just sent me this poem. ;)Thank you. I think it is a beautiful poem, describing what many people might call "the dark night of the soul," the journey which acknowledges the painful experiences in one's life as they seek to grow spiritually.

It is difficult to believe that their is such a thing as a "perfect" life. I remember at Esalen, Dorothy Charles, described depression as stemming from "an accumulation of ungrieved losses." While I think it's important to focus on the light, I also think it is equally important to acknowledge the darkness, the pain, the sadness. It is a process unraveling. A process necessary if one wishes to heal their old wound and love whole-heartedly.

Alone
(1830)
by Edgar Allan Poe
(1809-1849)

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were - I have not seen
As others saw - I could not bring
My passions from a common spring -
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow - I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone -
And all I loved - I loved alone -
Then - in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life - was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still -
From the torrent, or the fountain -
From the red cliff of the mountain -
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold -
From the lightning in the sky
As it pass'd me flying by -
From the thunder and the storm -
And the cloud that took the form
When the rest of Heaven was blue
Of a demon in my view. -

Holding on to the illusion

It seems one thing came up for me yesterday around "finances." I know that I have so much to be grateful for and my life is very abundant, full of resources I can tap into, a supportive and loving community that surrounds me, material wealth... Yet, I find myself financially insecure, focusing on my struggles that I do not have enough to pay for school and I have to wait. In waiting, I feel restless, impatient, and anxious in and around my heart center. O.k. I'm just going to take a moment to breathe...I have to wait. This impatience. This worry....

I often don't want to rely on people. I suppose this stems from some thought or belief that I'll be disappointed if I do or perhaps some belief that if I rely on people, I am troubling them. Probably I am projecting; I don't want to bother people because I don't want other people to bother me. Because even though I'm not alone, I for some reason feel alone sometimes.

Building upon an illusion of separation.

Because I don't ask people for money/things, I feel separate.
I don't ask people for money because I project that I'll be in their way. I don't want to bother them. "I am independent!"
I get tense when people ask me for money/things because a part of me dares to ask them for things. If I don't ask, why should they?

The illusion of separation keeps us from seeing and experiencing life as one.

If I am one with the universe and all beings, I do not have to compete. If I do not have to compete to "get ahead" in life, I do not have to be more than I am right now. If we are one, I am already whole. I do not need more than I already have.

I am already whole, everything I learn, everything I do and practice, they are bonuses. I have all my needs met already. I do not have to get ahead in life.

(my personality wants me to defend right now. Wants me to question how that's not so. Wants me to think about what's lacking).

It's funny. Yesterday, on my way to my girl friend's house, I got a ticket for being on the phone. Wow. I thought. The universe is sending me signs. Be grateful. Look at all the things I have. I do not need to focus on money so much.

When I do, I feed the illusion of separation.

I could have killed someone talking on my phone. I could have lost my life...or a child's life...or a mother's life..Then, what would any of it have mattered?

Imagery, guides, self-loving...

Today there were lo's and highs. LOL. Actually, most of my days have some lo and some high. I don't mind. I acknowledge that lo points are really just opportunities to look at myself. Both are gifts.

High points: Listening to my body, following my inner advisors, my guides. It will sound weird when I say this but when I've been doing yoga or at home practicing (looks many ways) lately, I see in the corner of my right aura this Indian man. Laugh. It sounds crazy I know...he doesn't talk to me or anything but he watches me in approval and he guided me in my asanas. He has absolutely no judgement of me.

In a hypnotherapy session and a guided imagery class, I met two other advisors who have guided me. When I am quiet, sometimes I seek console from Calia. She is a medicine woman and she is always in her garden when I meet her. At first upon meeting her, Calia was like a mother. I remember her offering me tea in her medicine garden, saying to drink it, because it would help me to be more loving. :)Smile. Recently, I called upon her and sensed that I had grown into being more like her. She was more of a close friend, peer, and sister...

Even though I do believe there are spirits around and within us that exist, you do not have to believe in them to use imagery as a tool in healing. Like dreams, using images can be a great way of accessing the unconscious parts of ourselves, receiving information about our bodies, gaining insight as to what to do and redirecting our intention and mind to actually do them.

Exciting stuff!

Lo- time wasn't really that bad though. Throughout the day, issues around self image came up. Not feeling pretty. Noticing blemishes here and there. I pulled the Page of Cups card, where the story of Narcisses came up. He is the guy who stared at his reflection in the pool and fell so in love with himself that he eventually "fell in" and died. I got insight from this card because it reminded me to recognize my worthiness and also that love starts with the self before it can be shared with others.

I love myself.
I love my body.
I love my heart/spirit.
I even love my blemishes!
I love my mind.

Life is a series of processes.

Work: My relationship to making mistakes with imagery.

I help to create my experience through my thoughts, actions, and attitudes. Transforming my relationship to making mistakes and feeling "bad" through the help of imagery.

Visualization for today:

I am working and I am making mistakes. I am frustrated; I have spilled some soup on someone. Although, I at first feel bad, I realize that I made a mistake. I breathe. I realize that everyone makes mistakes. I am not perfect. Source does not expect this of me. I apologize and I feel lighter, as I clean. I can not change having made the mistake. Feeling bad does not serve me or others. Later, I make another mistake and my manager points it out to me. At first I feel scared, tense in my shoulders. I breathe. Suddenly though, I reflect back and notice all the little mistakes I have made in the day, all the things I had forgotten to do. I feel scared again and panicked. I breath into this fear, fear of losing my job. Now my fear has shifted to anger. I hold an acupressure point to let go, along with CV 17, Sea of Tranquility, to breath better (see below for reference). I ask my manager if I can take a break but he says I have to wait. I do not like how he is looking at me. I am breathing. I am feeling the fear and the anger very strongly now however. I breathe into my lower abdomen, holding my breath...5 breaths to inhale, 15 breathes I hold, and 10 breathes to exhale. I am moving around but slowly. consciously. I am only talking when I have to but I am doing my best. I acknowledge myself for breathing. It is helping. I am letting go. The energy is dispersing. I am cool. I am still holding the points whenever I find my hands free. Except now, I hold GB14, Yang White with CV17. "I am balanced. I am clear." I say to myself. I notice myself being more present, forgetting about the mistakes and the fear and anger. Finally, I get to go on break.

More breathing. I am sitting and I am still. I feel into my body. I realize that I have not lost my job. I recognize that I have a lot to offer. I am worthy. I am strong. I have integrity. There is a reason why I am here. I can go back to work and I am present and doing much better.


REFERENCE:


CV!7 Sea of Tranquility: At the center of the sternum at the level of the heart. Gently press directly onto the sternum. This point is great for balancing emotions of anguish, grief, loneliness...it nourishes the heart and opens up the breath.

Lung 1 Letting Go: on the upper, outside portion of the chest, in the depression three finger widths below the collarbone. Good for difficult breathing, chest tension, emotional holding, grief, and letting go...

To stay present, lightly press

GB 14, Yang White, on forehead, one fingers width above the eyebrows, directly about the pupil when the eyes look forward. This is great for clear thinking and emotional balance, face and neck holding/tension.

There are so many coincidences, except I do not believe in coincidence so much. They are signs.

I pulled the exact same cards than on Thursday when a girlfriend came over distressed because of her breakup with her lover. She pulled the “Hanged Man” while I pulled (for her) “the sun.” I often pick the same cards when I read tarot and I’m amazed by the insight that comes from them as the story unfolds.

I am more convinced that the ultimate truth lies in consciousness and creation, as well as trust and faith when one let’s go of the need to be in control. We are not in control. I am not in control, but my thoughts, actions, and attitudes, and most importantly, my intentions- do have a say in the karmic laws, stating that what we perceive, think, believe, we also attract.

Seeing my girlfriend on Thursday, I saw the part of myself that did not trust. The part of myself that clings on to the past, preventing me from experiencing what is present and new to its fullest...”A relinquishing of control so that a greater sense of life can emerge.” The image conveyed in the card is a symbol of the inner wisdom within us that allows ourselves to accept the great mystery as an “unfoldment of an inner design which is not yet clear.”

This means:

A sacrifice on trust
Taking risks.
Letting “myself” be vulnerable
Voluntary sacrifice of an external thing or an inner attitude- for me, a sense of control, security, aloofness/indifference.
An abandonment of what may have been previously held as sacred- for me, relationships with friends and/or lovers, knowing that they will be around or maybe- it is the the EXPECTATION that they will be around and the security of knowing that I am loved and/or special by being wanted...(definitely, feeling an aching in my heart right now)(deep breath).

Geez. I think. This is hard work! I have to give up the old patterns of acting indifferent in the face of not getting what I want.
I have to accept that things are as they are. I can't blame others for the experiences I have, the emotions that arise. I can't make excuses for why I'm not getting what I want. A part of me definitely wants to blame and put on my hard suit and be indifferent so I can avoid the emotions. It is very natural, it almost seems real.

But being indifferent is not the truth. It is not real. So I stay vulnerable.

I am secure within myself.
I am worthy.
I am optimistic
I trust
I am moving forward.

Healing with Love.

Wrote last night April 29th:

I feel so inspired. So connected to source. I feel full of gratitude. Trusting. Listening.

Today was amazing. There was a number of times I felt blessed with challenges in communication, having breakdowns and seeing breakthroughs. Today, I felt an emotion and stayed with it longer. Today, I breathed instead of reacted. I was patient and I waited for the wisdom to come through me. What should I do? Who am I “being” about this? Do I really want to have coffee(no)? What do I want to eat? Am I really hungry? Do I want to react? Why am I feeling distant all of a sudden?

I was inspired by the healing that comes from love. Someone told me to “fuck off” today. I was triggering something within her and raising a question that was uncomfortable. I also realized that maybe I raised the question because something within her triggered me and I was reacting to it, although I was really trying not to say anything! (stuffing my emotions). After she told me to fuck off, I thought about how we were going to have to talk about it and for a moment, I had the need to talk about it right away. Then, I decided to let her/it go and give it space. "Maybe she can reflect on why she told me to "fuck off"," I thought. However, what would that have done? it quite possibly would have left her bearing negative emotions of feeling bad and guilty about herself. Not wishing that upon her, I was suddenly drawn to hug her, in which she openly received...

The presence of love reminded me that it is love that heals. After that hug and space between words, we both softened and realized we had both reacted to something that was triggering us, although nothing really having to do about the other.

Working to transform my relationship to food and body image

I have a relatively sour relationship to food this past year. I am hard on myself and I find myself constantly looking in the mirror to see if I gained weight.

Whether i've gained weight or not, however, the actual disservice that I am doing to myself are having the negative emotions that go along with not listening to my intuitive side, that gift from source. Because even if I did gain weight, if there was no negative emotion, all I would have left is the clarity that I want to lose weight (for example). I realize that when I don't listen to what I want deeply, I feel guilty, ashamed, and afraid. These emotions are toxic, so not only might I be physically hurting myself by...eating when I'm not hungry, but spiritually as well. When my spirit is suppressed with these toxic emotions, I lose having an affect on how much love I can give- both myself and others. Invariably,this feeds into the distorted image that I created when I was a child, that for some reason, I'm not good enough. These feelings themselves takes a toll on my mental and physical health as well, creating an endless cycle.

Not listening to what I "should/shouldn't" eat----> Negative emotions guilt and shame--->suppressing spirit----> lack of presence----> more negative emotion: depressed and sad, disappointed, frustrated---->"I'm not good enough" (feeding the belief)---->eating too much, not listening to my body...and then back to the beginning.

Ultimately, this not listening to my body, at the root, gets created when I am not trusting that source will take care of me, There is a part of me that is afraid of what "reality" will present to me. I have a difficult time surrendering to the lack of control that "I don't know what is in my own best interest" and I do not trust in every moment that the other reality, the one that is not seen, the reality of source, always provides if I (we) listen.

At my core, however, I do believe this...so there has got to be another aspect.

I remember when I was at an open seat at Esalen. I was talking about my internal struggles around eating gluten, when it didn't make me feel good. I didn't eat gluten everyday while I was at Esalen, but there were days when, on impulse, i would have a piece of carrot cake or something sweet and then I would feel guilty about it the whole day..

The therapist said something along the lines of "could it be that eating the gluten is serving you in the moment for some reason." and then he made a clear example of a girl who cuts herself to numb herself from feeling the pain of her family...

So I thought about that and weeks later, I realize that it isn't until I change my relationship to eating that I will transform my negative emotions around food. (Because sometimes my body really is telling me to have something that I know is likely to not serve me). So instead of resisting, because what resists persists, as was revealed to me, I am choosing to choose differently. I am choosing to eat for nourishment.

The past few days I have been setting more intentions around food and listening to my body, eating for nourishment. I notice that this intuitive voice has been louder lately and I haven't been drinking or even desiring coffee very much. While I was at Esalen, I was having it like everyday! Now, as I listen, my body is saying to have wheatgrass and salads and less grain and so I'm just doing that. It feels really good! I feel guided. I am guided! Thank you Spirit!

So I'll accept and acknowledge myself today for what I have done and I'll take it one day at a time...

It is a process and I am taking great strides.

Affirmation:

I surrender. I do not know what is my own best interest (Thanks Jator!)
I am surrendering.
I trust you Great Spirit will lead me to the way you want me as long as I listen.
I eat for nourishment.
I am grateful!

The Humble Pie: Staying vulnerable

The Humble Pie.

It is awesome how I ask the universe for something and then there it is, ready for me to see if I am really ready for the challenge. On my vision album I pasted a girl lookin' crazy with a big gap in between her teeth, smiling really big, along with a design of a funny face made out of vegetables. On the page I wrote, "Self Expression" and "Embracing Humility." "I am playful. I am light-hearted. I am free."

I realize that writing about the transformational process of emotions has to include breakdowns and breakthroughs, as well as humility on my part. This leaves me feeling vulnerable and it is scary because others' might use information against me and what if I get hurt. Another thing that comes up is that I do not wish to energize or create a self-perpetuating fear by sharing what my insecurities are.

However, if transformation is what I am up to then there is nothing else to be but authentic about my experience and raw with my emotion. Right? Sounds good, because whoever stays in my life will be those that are my friends. They will resonate with me and they will be the strongest reflection of how I want to see myself and others, as love. They will resonate with me because in some part they will see a piece of themselves and I will see a piece of myself within them.

For those that wish to use my vulnerabilities against me, then it is a practice of love- self-love, for in them, I get to see the part of myself that rejects who I am and makes it easy therefore to reject and judge others.

They rise and then they fall

Must I sit for hours in meditation to overcome the things that hinder me from presence? I do notice that I feel most connected, most balanced after I have spent quality time with what I call "practice" or "loving myself," that is intentional time/space to connect with ONE. I do this through prayer, visualization, imagery, service to others, tarot reading and reflection, breathing, self-massage, dancing and yoga. Sometimes drawing, singing...

Even so, I am generally very reflective...that means, my mind is usually active.

I could probably meditate more, but we'll see.

Emotions will arise.

And then they will fall.

I'm learning.

I trust.

I am patient.

I am love.

Jack Kornfield, Obstacles and Vicissitudes in Spiritual Practice. Spiritual Emergency

Notes:

The practice of working with our emotions is to allow them to arise and to observe them with awareness, to let them be/go. Living in the present moment with concentrated attention (meditating).

Or subliminate it meaning to take that energy of difficulty and use it outwardly or inwardly.

Example:

Outward: Exercise, do something different

Inward: Do exercises for moving energy within the body

The 5 hindrances to being present according to Budhist teaching:

1. desire and wanting

2. aversion- anger and dislike, judgement and fear- (states that push away experience)

3. sleepiness dullnes and lethargy (or resistance to experience)

4. agitation and restlessness of mind

5. doubt- “it’s not possible” “I can’t”