Holding on to the illusion

It seems one thing came up for me yesterday around "finances." I know that I have so much to be grateful for and my life is very abundant, full of resources I can tap into, a supportive and loving community that surrounds me, material wealth... Yet, I find myself financially insecure, focusing on my struggles that I do not have enough to pay for school and I have to wait. In waiting, I feel restless, impatient, and anxious in and around my heart center. O.k. I'm just going to take a moment to breathe...I have to wait. This impatience. This worry....

I often don't want to rely on people. I suppose this stems from some thought or belief that I'll be disappointed if I do or perhaps some belief that if I rely on people, I am troubling them. Probably I am projecting; I don't want to bother people because I don't want other people to bother me. Because even though I'm not alone, I for some reason feel alone sometimes.

Building upon an illusion of separation.

Because I don't ask people for money/things, I feel separate.
I don't ask people for money because I project that I'll be in their way. I don't want to bother them. "I am independent!"
I get tense when people ask me for money/things because a part of me dares to ask them for things. If I don't ask, why should they?

The illusion of separation keeps us from seeing and experiencing life as one.

If I am one with the universe and all beings, I do not have to compete. If I do not have to compete to "get ahead" in life, I do not have to be more than I am right now. If we are one, I am already whole. I do not need more than I already have.

I am already whole, everything I learn, everything I do and practice, they are bonuses. I have all my needs met already. I do not have to get ahead in life.

(my personality wants me to defend right now. Wants me to question how that's not so. Wants me to think about what's lacking).

It's funny. Yesterday, on my way to my girl friend's house, I got a ticket for being on the phone. Wow. I thought. The universe is sending me signs. Be grateful. Look at all the things I have. I do not need to focus on money so much.

When I do, I feed the illusion of separation.

I could have killed someone talking on my phone. I could have lost my life...or a child's life...or a mother's life..Then, what would any of it have mattered?