The ego-ic mind

I just got back from a self-worth workshop that was this weekend, a workshop in which each member went on a personal journey of their life.

In the beginning, when I was asked on what wounds I am healing from, I could conjure memories, but became immediately present to all that I had forgiven. My memories are now just stories and those wounds which hurt me once no longer serve me. I don't need them as much and yet what I come to realize is that what I am healing from is the ego-ic mind.

I see the ego-ic mind and I experience it within myself. The ego-ic mind is full of judgment and criticism. It thinks it is better than others and so it tries to control situations and people. The truth is that it is afraid, because it can't possibly know what will happen in the future. Fear feeds the ego-ic mind and tells it that it must protect itself. The ego-ic mind does not trust situations or people the way they are; this often creates guilt, shame, and self-hatred. The ego-ic mind does not want to learn or listen, it just wants to be right, even perfect. It knows that it is not perfect and therefore seeks validations from outside constantly and so becomes resentful of what people say and do. The ego-ic mind thrives on having it's needs met and suffers when it perceives that its needs are not met.

Our lives are often run by the ego-ic mind, but a healthy ego serves us only as a vessel to create joy and lasting peace. It shares and wants to serve, rather than be served. It is committed to love rather than fear.

It is hard to unravel this straggle-hold of the ego-ic mind and that is why we must have compassion for ourselves and for others. We have to forgive the ego-ic mind and see it for what it is. We suffer because of our ego-ic mind and we fear its release so much that we don't want to let it go. That is if we are even present to it.

How is the ego-ic mind running your life and affecting your choices? What are you afraid of, have a difficult time letting go?

As with me, the ego-ic mind creeps into my thoughts. I know it is the ego-ic mind when I realize I am afraid of something. I am learning to trust others and let go and forgive their ego-ic mind.

It's a process.


"You can never get rid of your fears, you can never get rid of your pain, no matter what effort you make, until you have the guts to forgive yourself. Just forgive yourself." Yogi Bhajan

What I realized during the workshop is that many people are wounded by other people in particular. There are degrees of projection and dissociation, maybe they are stages of healing. Trust their process. Perhaps, we don't forget our wounds as children, we just learn to relate to them differently...

Essential to healing: feeling safe to release emotions that do not serve. Guidance when necessary. Healing support from family, friends, therapist and support groups. Quiet to listen to answers within. Validation of feelings. Letting go. Massage and bodywork. Healthy thoughts, nourishing food. Movement. Forgiveness. Acceptance.

Ways to keep things in perspective...

How about we keep things in perspective? Whenever we feel bogged down by the physical world, circumstance, opinions, sickness, ect. let us consider that perhaps we are only meant to learn from our experiences. Let us RISE to the occasion and pull our hearts from murky waters.

When we free each other of our judgments, expectations, and guilt, we also free ourselves.

Remember: It's a journey. We are all mirrors.

Practice: remind ourselves and each other that:

I am not my body. I am not my thoughts. I am not my emotions. I am not my personality. I am not my things. I am not achievements. I am not my mistakes. I am a spirit having a human experience.

You are not your body. You are not your thoughts. You are not your emotions. You are not your personality. You are not your things. You are not your achievements. You are not your mistakes. You are a spirit having a human experience.

We are not our bodies. We are not our thoughts. We are not our emotions. We are not our personality. We are not our things. We are not our achievements. We are not our mistakes. We are spirit having a human experience.

_______________________________________________

Things are often not as they seem.

Yesterday, I got to be with someone else's experience of me as landing "negative." That "I am a negative person" is what I heard/internalized; I felt misunderstood and out of place.

I am grateful for the experience for I got to see my own fear of judgement looking back at me. A mirror for how my own filters in perception distort reality, making it seem one way, while being another. Am I a negative person? Well- in her perception, my stating an opinion and perhaps who I am around her was for some reason filtered through her reality as negative. Perhaps she felt unsupported because maybe I triggered something in her that meant more than it did to me at the time. I am learning that I have to be more aware of my words, stating an opinion might trigger wounds which we can internalize. It's sloppy and yet, opinions mean very little because they can always change. Knowing this, I get to practice letting go and embrace humility. I can not change other people's perceptions of who I am; however, I can accept that oftentimes, things are not how we perceive them to be.

Staying true to who I am keeps me focused and inspired about creating. Suffering about how "others" perceive me as takes me away from who I am in reality.

Welcome mistakes for they are doorways to our own distorted perceptions and beliefs about ourselves.

Being "perfect"

When i think of the word "enlightened," I freeze. I start to compare myself to all my imperfections. Admittedly, I feel so imperfect sometimes that I think I might want to jump off a roof. (I laugh). That is the human dilemma we face. We love who we are, until we see how imperfect we are. Then, we make ourselves crazy with the thought about being imperfect. We become afraid and hide who we are being and instead we replace our vulnerabilities with a mask that make us seem perfect to others. When we wear masks to be "perfect", we perpetuate feelings that we have to wear a mask in order to be accepted. Also, we perpetuate fear in the world, by unconsciously telling people that they have to be perfect as well.

This has to at least contribute to feelings of "going mad" and dissociative mental dis-eases of the brain. It has to do with a very strong ego and a lack of validation for our true feelings.

Fortunately, times are changing. I see that they are through listening and noticing signs- within myself and outside. I do not believe it is possible to go mad if one is committed to healing, becoming more aware of themselves- their connection to God and the healer within, as well as the signs and support from outside helpers guiding us along our way.

Psalm 23:4:

"Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me."

Could "thy rod and thy staff" be our mirrors. Those that show us light from outside. Could they be our guides from our dreams, our visions, and the felt sense. I imagine so. Trust it! Amen.

Following the "light"

I recall an inspiring tool from a self-improvement book about becoming an effective leader. I can't recall the name of the book. However, it reminds of the importance to view my effectiveness from a circle of influence rather than within my circle of concern.

When I think of my circle of concern, I get overwhelmed, worried, and doubtful about the future. I feel helpless and "not good enough" because I know that I can not control other people, situations, circumstances... When I focus within the circle of concern, I feel less powerful, less effective in the world. I am not present nor inspired.

Then, thankfully, there is always that light, the circle of influence. It is what I can do in the moment. Perhaps, the light shines itself in the form of a mirror- another person/animal, a sign that I notice, or maybe it is a loud voice within. No doubt, though, it is light. It is pure knowing. It is related to everything. It is saying let go. Surrender. It is accepting, compassion, joy, and forgiveness. It is what to do that will bring balance and harmony within myself. "What can I do now to bring me back to oneness with myself and all things?" That is a great question! However great or small, whether it is smelling a flower, taking a walk, giving something away, meditating, crying, understanding... that light speaks and it is the answer to the moment. It is the answer that will ignite and inspire Self. Follow it. Trust it. Thank God.

To negate alternative ways of healing as against God.

I am healing from the wounds of healthcare and religious wars. There is so much healing to be addressed and our healthcare system is in desperate need of more mind, body, and spirit medicine. It is a harsh and painful reality that some people do not get the care they need; they do not trust outside the realm of our current medical system and/or belief system. It hurts to see that people would limit or shape an experience that is based in a lack of understanding and then negate alternative ways of healing as against the name of God.

Any notion that healing is against God is ludicrous, for how can one's intention be set on creating and restoring life when life itself is created by God.

How can I learn from this? How can I understand better?
It is Possible that:
-I have a different perspective as some people do. That is all. They are not wrong, nor am I.
-It is not one's desire to limit healing, it is a lack of belief in the healing and/or a lack of belief that one can directly channel God.
-We repress our personal experiences and replace it with shame and guilt; it is difficult to trust.
-We often believe God is outside of us and this limits our scope of healing.
-We think that the only way to reach God is through praying.
-We doubt the possibility that we are co-creators.
-I could accept the view: every experience can be measured and pigeonholed into the medical system. The medical system is fantastic and the cure for everything! I choose to not agree; however, I will accept their view.
- I could accept the view: there are no spiritual values to mental health dis-eases. I choose to not agree; however, I will accept their view.
-This is an opportunity to trust and let go. Love and accept what is.
-This is an opportunity to stay true to myself.
-It could be that this is my passion and this is fuel to my fire. I can be grateful.
-This is foundational to understand as I move through life, not everyone will like or agree with me.
-This is an opportunity to practice tools for emotional balance.

Emotional Balance:
30 minutes- alternative nostril breathing, praying, and meditation
Crying, with an intention to cleanse.
Writing this blog.
Focusing. Being present to my friend and her newborn baby!
Gratitude

Why Heal? part 2

Maybe this will resonate with you and maybe not.

We have all had the experience of feeling full of negative beliefs, thoughts, and attitudes about ourselves and others. We have all, at least at one time, been affected by people slandering words at us. We have all had the experience of enjoying, to some extend, putting people down or rejecting another person, or wanting them to feel bad or excluded.

We often do not question our motives or look within ourselves to see that they exist. We act on our negative thoughts and beliefs because we do not want to consider that underneath it, we feel vulnerable, inferior, guilty, and/or ashamed. We feel resentful that we "have to" or "should" do things that we do not have energy for and we get fearful that our love or self-worth is somehow conditional.

This sense of "not being enough" is what is conditional however. It is a condition of society that we all create and perpetuate out of fear. We fear conditional love so much that we reject people who mirror us and the lack of self-worth that we have for ourselves. When we are born, we begin to see things as dualistic, "this" or "that", "good" or "bad", "right and wrong". We turn on t.v. or watch movies that feed the beliefs of our parents and those around us, creating more fear of conditional love.
There are a multitude of negative and distorted beliefs that we carry around with us since conception. Until we become aware of them and set an intention to heal them, we continue to internalize our fears and project and blame others for being the cause of our suffering.

When we set an intention to heal, we work to undo the layers, the perceptions that bind us. The perceptions or view of life that are filtered through past experiences and beliefs about our self-worth. When we set an intention to heal, we work to see things as they really are, rather than how we think they are. We find that we are no different, we are not alone. We can accept ourselves more and let more love and light shine through us. The intention to heal is really an intention to discover the Ultimate in all things and all people. It is a path and a processes of uncovering layers that we will need to cleanse, purge, and let go of.