Working to transform my relationship to food and body image

I have a relatively sour relationship to food this past year. I am hard on myself and I find myself constantly looking in the mirror to see if I gained weight.

Whether i've gained weight or not, however, the actual disservice that I am doing to myself are having the negative emotions that go along with not listening to my intuitive side, that gift from source. Because even if I did gain weight, if there was no negative emotion, all I would have left is the clarity that I want to lose weight (for example). I realize that when I don't listen to what I want deeply, I feel guilty, ashamed, and afraid. These emotions are toxic, so not only might I be physically hurting myself by...eating when I'm not hungry, but spiritually as well. When my spirit is suppressed with these toxic emotions, I lose having an affect on how much love I can give- both myself and others. Invariably,this feeds into the distorted image that I created when I was a child, that for some reason, I'm not good enough. These feelings themselves takes a toll on my mental and physical health as well, creating an endless cycle.

Not listening to what I "should/shouldn't" eat----> Negative emotions guilt and shame--->suppressing spirit----> lack of presence----> more negative emotion: depressed and sad, disappointed, frustrated---->"I'm not good enough" (feeding the belief)---->eating too much, not listening to my body...and then back to the beginning.

Ultimately, this not listening to my body, at the root, gets created when I am not trusting that source will take care of me, There is a part of me that is afraid of what "reality" will present to me. I have a difficult time surrendering to the lack of control that "I don't know what is in my own best interest" and I do not trust in every moment that the other reality, the one that is not seen, the reality of source, always provides if I (we) listen.

At my core, however, I do believe this...so there has got to be another aspect.

I remember when I was at an open seat at Esalen. I was talking about my internal struggles around eating gluten, when it didn't make me feel good. I didn't eat gluten everyday while I was at Esalen, but there were days when, on impulse, i would have a piece of carrot cake or something sweet and then I would feel guilty about it the whole day..

The therapist said something along the lines of "could it be that eating the gluten is serving you in the moment for some reason." and then he made a clear example of a girl who cuts herself to numb herself from feeling the pain of her family...

So I thought about that and weeks later, I realize that it isn't until I change my relationship to eating that I will transform my negative emotions around food. (Because sometimes my body really is telling me to have something that I know is likely to not serve me). So instead of resisting, because what resists persists, as was revealed to me, I am choosing to choose differently. I am choosing to eat for nourishment.

The past few days I have been setting more intentions around food and listening to my body, eating for nourishment. I notice that this intuitive voice has been louder lately and I haven't been drinking or even desiring coffee very much. While I was at Esalen, I was having it like everyday! Now, as I listen, my body is saying to have wheatgrass and salads and less grain and so I'm just doing that. It feels really good! I feel guided. I am guided! Thank you Spirit!

So I'll accept and acknowledge myself today for what I have done and I'll take it one day at a time...

It is a process and I am taking great strides.

Affirmation:

I surrender. I do not know what is my own best interest (Thanks Jator!)
I am surrendering.
I trust you Great Spirit will lead me to the way you want me as long as I listen.
I eat for nourishment.
I am grateful!